Right before February began, I picked up my daughter and two of her friends from their after-school activities. The girls were buzzing with excitement, chatting about their interests, schoolwork, and everything in between. After a lively exchange of positive energy, my daughter asked one of her friends, a fellow seventh grader, which high school she hoped to attend next year. Her response left me with a lump in my throat.

“I don’t really have a choice about which high school I can go to. My mom said it would break my grandpa’s heart if I don’t go to the same high school he attended.”

Did I mention that I live in Paarl, South Africa, a place blessed with a variety of brilliant schools.  Some of these schools have been around for over a hundred and fifty years, steeped in a rich history of heritage, culture, and tradition. The alumni networks of these institutions are still quite vibrant. In fact, it is common for families to follow a lineage of school attendance: if your grandfather and father went to a certain school, and you’re a true “Paarliet,” it’s likely that you will choose that school too. I’ve seen parents drive from far away, passing by other equally wonderful schools, just to ensure their kids attend the same school as their parents or grandparents. The inconvenience, time spent on the road, and costs seem to take a backseat to the importance of upholding tradition. 

I have pondered this a lot. Is it because I am an “inkommer”—someone who moved to Paarl and didn’t attend one of the local schools—that I struggle to understand this tradition? Or do the values of my community simply clash with my own internal value system? I believe each person is unique, with their own personality, gifts, and needs, and no one should be squeezed into a box. One of my core values is authenticity, and another is the importance of being heard. I realised that these values were stirred during our conversation in the car.

The seventh grader’s grandfather attended a well-known school, famous for its sports programs, yet this petite girl with glasses was anything but sporty. I could not help but wonder if she would thrive in such an environment or simply fade into the background of the crowd.

I found myself conflicted and began to reflect on what I was experiencing. Are these traditions truly worth it? Will they serve any meaningful purpose in life? After all, nobody asked me which school I attended when I lived outside the boarders of South Africa. Will the time, money, and effort spent on sports really matter in the long run? I don’t want my kids’ identities to be defined solely by these traditions or culture.

I also realised that, whether I understood it or not, maintaining traditions was a value of the community I live in. 

When it comes to making decisions in your own life, have you considered what guides you? Research shows that people who understand and build their lives around their core values tend to lead the most fulfilling lives. While we all hold a variety of values, core values are the ones we cherish most and use as guiding principles. They influence our interactions with others and shape our internal dialogues.

Core values are essential because they serve as your compass when making important decisions, ensuring that your choices align with what truly matters to you. Embracing these values can lead to a more meaningful and rewarding life. 

If you have not taken the time to reflect on your values, consider starting with a self-awareness exercise. Pay attention to what triggers your emotions; they often reveal something about your values. Completing a values assessment can also be incredibly beneficial. I have done this with my kids, and even though our values may change over time, it sparked some wonderful conversations.

Following that car ride with the little girl, I had an opportunity to chat with her mom. I knew authenticity was important to her too, and that she genuinely wanted what was best for her daughters. During our conversation, I discovered she felt conflicted as well. As an “inkommer,” she valued authenticity but also wanted to honor tradition. Both she and her husband prioritise academics over sports. In the end, they decided to attend open days at various schools with their daughters, including the grandfather’s old school, and they were pleasantly surprised by the range of cultural activities offered alongside sports. Now, the girl can’t wait to enrol at the same school her grandpa attended!

Reflecting on our values can help guide us through decisions big and small, creating a life that feels true to who we are. 

What values will guide your decisions?

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The parking lot at the gym was packed.  As I got out of my car I breathed in the crisp air and it was clear that winter was here.  The knowledge that the pool in the gym is slightly heated brought me little comfort.

Once I got to the pool, I was greeted by more than a dozen friendly, elderly faces. Mostly women.

I thought ‘Wow! What do we have here? I am joining The Golden Girls today.’ 

I quickly scanned through the smiles and noticed a few red lips and dangling earrings.

I quietly slipped into the water. A flamboyant-looking lady paddled in my direction. Her swimsuit and cap matched perfectly and there was a loud flower attached to the side of her head.  “Are you new here, dear?”

I nodded shyly, but before I could say anything she exclaimed: “My but you are a tall one, aren’t you? Make sure to submerge yourself until your shoulders are underwater.”  She smiled approvingly as I complied. For some reason, I understood that this was not a stern instruction. It was a gracious invitation.

For the next forty-five minutes we moved around in the water to the beat of ABBA’s favourite hits including Mama Mia and Dancing Queen.  The ladies splashed and sang along joyfully.  I chuckled under my breath.  What on earth did I get myself into?  I quickly glanced at the sweaty victims on the treadmills outside the pool area. I grinned as I thought I had definitely picked the better spot!

After I left the gym I saw a few of the Golden Girls huddled together at the coffee shop just outside of the gym.  They were talking and laughing while they were waiting for their cappuccinos. One looked at me, smiled and gestured with her hands to join them. I smiled back, tapped on my watch and shrugged.

As I walked away I found myself pondering on the aqua class and what I just saw.   A theme I have been reflecting on a lot lately, surfaced.

Connection

The one concept that science has been unable to quantify or gauge is human connection and our desperate need for it. 

Or maybe science is starting to catch up…

After reading Desmond and Mpho Tutu’s book, ‘The Book of Forgiving’ the following really stayed with me.

‘Dr Lisa Berkman, chair of the Department of Society, Human Development and Health at the Harvard School of Public Health, studied seven thousand men and women.  According to her research, people who were socially isolated were three times more likely to die prematurely than those who had a strong social web.  Even more fascinating to the researchers were those who had a strong social circle but lived an unhealthy lifestyle (smoke, little exercise & obesity) actually lived longer than those who had a weak social circle but a healthy lifestyle. A separate article in the journal Science concluded that loneliness was a greater risk factor for disease and death than smoking. 

In other words, loneliness can kill you faster than cigarettes.’

This is not to justify an unhealthy lifestyle but to underscore the importance of connection.

I spent a number of years in Europe, the USA and Canada and frequently found myself engaging in conversations about different cultures.  A topic that frequently came up was why people in the Southern Hemisphere seemed happier.  We would then reason back and forth about what makes a good life.  We unpacked different needs in life like job security, money, safety, good education, food, health ect and concluded that many of these were legitimate needs…but if that was it, why were mental health conditions on the rise – especially in developed countries?

An article on Health.com, published by Amanda MacMillan, Why Mental Health Is Getting Worse, highlights four possible factors which contribute to the rise of mental health conditions. 

Three out of the four factors mentioned in this article stand out.

The use of social media.  The use and effects of technology, especially among young people is a hot topic in our modern world. One study found that college students for example who limited social media for three weeks showed less loneliness and depression compared to those with unlimited use.

COVID-19.  In the U.S. alone, 20% of adults were reported to be negatively impacted by die pandemic in it’s first year.  Social isolation alone was found to have significant negative consequences on psychological well-being.

Isolation and loneliness.  Older adults are definitely more at risk, but interestingly enough, one study found that young adults between the ages of 16 and 24 were the loneliest group in Western countries – even lonelier than senior citizens.  This was the case before the pandemic, noted the researchers, who also linked the prevalence of loneliness in this group partly to social media use.

These days you can work, study, shop, exercise, watch movies or learn to play a musical instrument online.  It’s easy and convenient but…?

I think it is fair to say that we have to be slightly more intentional  (and sometimes, courageous)  when it comes to connecting with others.  In some countries more than others.

Dear friend,

For some people, loneliness is a stark reality.   If your are struggling with loneliness and finding it hard to connect with those around you, a life coach may be able to help you in this regard. 

I would like to invite you to take that first, brave step!

Or, just maybe …  start that book club, or attend a weekly pottery class in your area.  Joining a hiking club might sound like a literal huge step, but you will be surprised at how addictive it can be.  Don’t be afraid to open yourself up to take small steps towards new possibilities. 

Our biggest mistake is to think that we are alone in our loneliness.  Whatever it is which will grow more connection in your life, I would like to encourage you to be intentional about it.  Your health and sometimes even your life depends on it. 

Find me here on my Connect Page.

The post Splash – the role social connection plays in mental, emotional and physical health appeared first on Grounded Life Coaching.