Your Values and Their Role in Decision-Making
Right before February began, I picked up my daughter and two of her friends from their after-school activities. The girls were buzzing with excitement, chatting about their interests, schoolwork, and everything in between. After a lively exchange of positive energy, my daughter asked one of her friends, a fellow seventh grader, which high school she hoped to attend next year. Her response left me with a lump in my throat.
“I don’t really have a choice about which high school I can go to. My mom said it would break my grandpa’s heart if I don’t go to the same high school he attended.”
Did I mention that I live in Paarl, South Africa, a place blessed with a variety of brilliant schools. Some of these schools have been around for over a hundred and fifty years, steeped in a rich history of heritage, culture, and tradition. The alumni networks of these institutions are still quite vibrant. In fact, it is common for families to follow a lineage of school attendance: if your grandfather and father went to a certain school, and you’re a true “Paarliet,” it’s likely that you will choose that school too. I’ve seen parents drive from far away, passing by other equally wonderful schools, just to ensure their kids attend the same school as their parents or grandparents. The inconvenience, time spent on the road, and costs seem to take a backseat to the importance of upholding tradition.
I have pondered this a lot. Is it because I am an “inkommer”—someone who moved to Paarl and didn’t attend one of the local schools—that I struggle to understand this tradition? Or do the values of my community simply clash with my own internal value system? I believe each person is unique, with their own personality, gifts, and needs, and no one should be squeezed into a box. One of my core values is authenticity, and another is the importance of being heard. I realised that these values were stirred during our conversation in the car.
The seventh grader’s grandfather attended a well-known school, famous for its sports programs, yet this petite girl with glasses was anything but sporty. I could not help but wonder if she would thrive in such an environment or simply fade into the background of the crowd.
I found myself conflicted and began to reflect on what I was experiencing. Are these traditions truly worth it? Will they serve any meaningful purpose in life? After all, nobody asked me which school I attended when I lived outside the boarders of South Africa. Will the time, money, and effort spent on sports really matter in the long run? I don’t want my kids’ identities to be defined solely by these traditions or culture.
I also realised that, whether I understood it or not, maintaining traditions was a value of the community I live in.
When it comes to making decisions in your own life, have you considered what guides you? Research shows that people who understand and build their lives around their core values tend to lead the most fulfilling lives. While we all hold a variety of values, core values are the ones we cherish most and use as guiding principles. They influence our interactions with others and shape our internal dialogues.
Core values are essential because they serve as your compass when making important decisions, ensuring that your choices align with what truly matters to you. Embracing these values can lead to a more meaningful and rewarding life.
If you have not taken the time to reflect on your values, consider starting with a self-awareness exercise. Pay attention to what triggers your emotions; they often reveal something about your values. Completing a values assessment can also be incredibly beneficial. I have done this with my kids, and even though our values may change over time, it sparked some wonderful conversations.
Following that car ride with the little girl, I had an opportunity to chat with her mom. I knew authenticity was important to her too, and that she genuinely wanted what was best for her daughters. During our conversation, I discovered she felt conflicted as well. As an “inkommer,” she valued authenticity but also wanted to honor tradition. Both she and her husband prioritise academics over sports. In the end, they decided to attend open days at various schools with their daughters, including the grandfather’s old school, and they were pleasantly surprised by the range of cultural activities offered alongside sports. Now, the girl can’t wait to enrol at the same school her grandpa attended!
Reflecting on our values can help guide us through decisions big and small, creating a life that feels true to who we are.
What values will guide your decisions?